The Pisces Vendetta

Every time you so much as speak to me

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 22:02:23 -0400

I lose every ounce of willpower I have.

The only thing that keeps me from making how I feel known is fear. Pure fear.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of reception.

Fear of what comes next.

Fear for our friendship.

Fear for our other friendships.

Fear for our jobs.

This paralyzing fear keeps me walking the edge of the precipice, tracing it with my toes, but knowing that I’m safe.

It’s getting so that a girl doesn’t want to be safe anymore.

A girl wants to be dangerous and daring and a girl wants answers.

Above all I need answers.

Love me or don’t love me, but let me know either way.

I don't believe this shit.

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 01:43:00 -0400

Everything happens for a reason, no?

I went upstairs to do something I’d been planning all week. To be sneaky and ninja-like and not get caught… In a red with black lace overlay tube dress, and 5 inch patent black stilettos, and failed every which way possible. Jesus.

So as soon as I crawl under the desk and I’m on my knees and half my ass is hanging out the back of the dress that I was only wearing because I thought I’d been unceremoniously dumped, and wanted to feel sexy again, the lights turn on.

“Hello?”

No answer.

“Helloooo?”

No answer.

Start to look for a weapon…

He rounds the corner and says good morning.

He is never there Saturday mornings. Never! Except of course the one Saturday morning that I’m fucking bent over and he can see my ass. Thanks universe! -_-

So then I get what I came for and go to leave, but we start talking and before long he tells me I looks pretty, I should’ve pressed it more, but I just say thank you and try to focus on something else as conversation while I wait for him to finish. He kept looking at me and I kept looking away, like the shy insecure person he makes me. :(

Ugh. How many times will we be thrown together by fate before you make a move already?! Come on!

And you sir nerdy, you’re adorable and sweet, but I really want SFAL. :(

Make Him Stop

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 12:09:15 -0400

It’s like being in stop and go traffic.

We can never sync up.

Not ever.

Fuck me, I’m getting so frustrated with it.

A 25 year old that doesn’t have balls is who I pick to fall for?

Really?

When I wear a pin on my birthday that says “Kiss the Birthday Girl,” don’t just sit there and fidget and look all uncomfortable.

Kiss me dammit!

Who cares if our coworkers are here?!

Okay, so kiss me on the damn cheek then.

Don’t sit there looking all froggy and not leap.

And when you came back and one of my workers was still here, make an excuse and wait for her to leave. If you came back to kiss me, then kiss me. I’ve waited too fucking long to be cockblocked on this! Which she wasn’t trying to do, but goddammit.

Ugh.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t had the time to think about this until now. And as if you just know when I’m thinking about you or something, here you come waltzing through my door, making everything awkward as hell. I know the other two could feel the damn tension unless they’re just completely oblivious. I think they enjoy egging it all on hoping you’ll be smart enough to make a fucking move; all of us knowing that you’re really no good for me.

And of course you have to pick the day after I just got off with my fuck buddy to come in while I was talking to them online. A+ on that move. *smh*

Why am I even still stuck on your ass?

Heaven help me.

Explain yourself.

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 19:19:00 -0400

Explain exactly how fucking self righteous you can be that you don’t want a man that I love to come between us, when one already did several times thanks to you.

Explain to me how you could become fuck buddies with someone that was fuck buddies with and supposedly in love with your best friend?! Who’s now your former best friend, but she was still your friend when this happened I bet.

I tried to to tell you. YOU TRIED TO TELL ME?! I really don’t recall you saying I mutually masturbated with a racist pathological liar that you hate, for valid reasons, via the internet after you told me that you didn’t like him because he’s racist. While I was still good friends with his ex and after. All of this behind your back when we fought and even when we didn’t.

Oh and I feel like shit and have for a while and I’m going to drop this bomb on you a few days before your birthday and let that sit there, because this is a safe zone and you can’t be pissed at me the week of your birthday.

Oh and I’m going to act like a fucking asshole all day long the day after your birthday too. And then I’m going to pout that I lied to you and said that I don’t like the man that we both like. I’m also going to get pissed at you because he likes and talks to you more than me, because clearly him liking you and not me is your fault. My own insecurities about everything? Those are also your fault.

Let me get annoyed because you won’t listen to me and want to live your fucking life a little without my input and I just won’t take a hint and butt out! Let me keep pushing and insisting that you have to do things my way because that’s how you wear someone down to see your side of things, right?

Let me try and guilt you into giving up someone you love to me when they don’t like me back, even though I’ve already lied to you and let a man come between us months and years and years before, even though I knew what the consequences might be.

But last of all, when you’re trying to work through this on your own and come to terms with it, let me calling you annoying and get pissed because I can’t deal and am insecure since the man that likes you doesn’t like me, but blame it all on you.

I really will never learn will I?

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 01:14:31 -0500

We met in the dark theater today… He whistled for me, and I though it sounded a bit weird, but I went ahead and gave him a wolf-whistle in answer. He said that he was busy finishing up a beer, but with the way he knocks em back? He was probably at least a few into the night. I wanted to walk over and start touching him, just to see what would happen, but I had a hanger-on. Isn’t it always the case though?

So he came and tried to say hi, but I was focused on my work and being professional showing the new person around, no matter how badly I wanted to jump him, and I guess he got the idea and left. The whole time we were inside, I was hoping that he would stay and watch us, watch me teach someone my craft. The idea that he was eaves dropping and everything that had just happened kept my heart racing and my words mumbled and stuttered the whole tour.

It’s funny because no matter how hard you brace yourself for someone telling you the man you love is cute, it still goes right through you. And god am I grateful that she didn’t say it. I’m so grateful, but I can tell by the way she tried to grab his attention that she liked what she saw too. I’m also quite thankful that when he saw my back was turned to him (in an effort to not fuck up the respect I’ve built up, with accusations of an office romance) he left.

But then when we were done, as a courtesy of course, not just to hear his voice at all, I called him and told him he could turn off the lights. And he made me wait until the last second before picking up.

What was he doing?! It doesn’t matter, I’m going to make you remember this phone call: “Thanks Babe.” And then I hung up before his buzzed brain had a chance to catch up. I hope I ruined your weekend as much as you ruin mine with thoughts of you replaying all our moments together, wondering if you’re thinking about me when you’re alone in bed, or with someone else even. Do you fantasize about touching me more? The way I think about your rough callous hands running over my body? Squeezing and probing in all kinds of places that would make me squirm and bring me to my knees.

And how will you feel knowing that she gave me the giftcard, not you, and some other person, I hope you think is a man, is putting their hands all over me. Maybe then you’ll find the time to compete and give me a massage as well.

You unwrapped it like a pro though, and ye Gods do I wish you would unwrap me that way.

I swear to fucking god I am so over and beyond done with my fucking family!

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 20:09:54 -0500

It's been a while since I've needed to whine on this side blog

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 19:40:57 -0500

And it was a great run, while it lasted with fewer and fewer whines.

I really don’t even like typing this all out and trying to make my feelings coherent enough to make sense on paper, but apparently it’s something I need to do because universe knows I can’t get it anywhere else.

How can you ask someone not to talk to you about someone, about their feelings, about an important part of their life, and then try and pry your way back into that? Is it just me or does it not work that way. When I say I don’t want to talk about it, I fucking mean that I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t mean that you should play 20 questions and try to understand, I mean you forfeited access to that part of my life, so back off.

If anything happened between us, that’s my business, not yours. You said that you didn’t want to know, so don’t ask. Even when I do tell you things, it’s not like you listen. If you liked someone so much and wanted them so badly then not only how could you offer them up so easily, but how can you even think about being over them so easily? Why would you try to get them to strip for me? None of this is any of your business. You chose this road because you couldn’t take the reality that he wasn’t interested in you. Hell, he might not be interested in me either, but something tells me that that’s not the case.

Was he irritated, yes, do I know why? Not exactly, but I have a pretty good idea of why. He looked like a bull in a china shop: about ready to break something. And my passive aggressive way of flirting is probably as foreign to him as his feels to me. And nothing is ever going to feel resolved until one or both of us finally comes clean.

And I get it, you want to have a new life, one away from this all, where me and him together can be far away from your mind. I get it. It makes sense, but that life shouldn’t come at my expense. You said that you chose me, just like I chose you, but here you are being callous with my feelings all over the place. I get that a new crush is new, exciting, and fun, but that doesn’t mean that you leave your friends to rot.

If this is what a new crush means to you, then you have no room to get pissed at anyone else doing the same! I never did that to you, not ever.

Please, go ahead, be pissed at me again.

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 22:46:42 -0500

As if it makes any difference.

You treat me like shit. You’re always saying how great I am and how you’re lucky to have me.

We never do anything that I want to do. Tell me things that you want to do and we’ll do them. I don’t know what I want to do.

You always get your fucking way! Name one time that I’ve gotten my way. *cricket chirp*

You’re always assertive you’re the dominant one in this relationship! See last two answers. Someone has to be when you won’t fucking step up to the plate.

You’re perpetuating someone treating me like shit. “Tell him what you don’t like, what he’s done wrong and what he can do to fix it. Talk to him because he doesn’t know that he’s wronged you as well.” If that’s encouraging you to take someone’s shit and not a gentle push to stand up for yourself (because God forbid you ever do that, you’d rather just wait for all eternity on something you’ll never get because no one is a mind reader!) then I will eat pie! (I very much don’t like pie)

This isn’t the first time he’s done this. And you know what, it probably won’t be the last. If relationships, friendships, were perfect, then that’s what they would be called, perfect. But what they’re actually called is relationships and friendships. They need work to keep them in good health.

You fucking $%%*&#@%!#$! Oh, because that’s very much called for because I resorted to childish name calling also, oh wait, I didn’t. And you do this every time, and yet, I always take you back with the promise that you won’t do it again… Oh wait… Isn’t that what you’re accusing him of…?! Tsk tsk tsk.

This is my friendship, not yours. Actually it’s all of our because a) I introduced you two. b) I’m close friends with both of you. c) You’re going to be pissed at me if I make up with him and talk about you to him. d) You’re going to be pissed at me if I make up with him and don’t talk about you to him and he never apologizes. e) If he is friends with me and not you, you’re never going to want to hang out, making me juggle you both, getting jealous of when I’m out with him, and resent me for making it work with someone that you never gave that chance to.

I hate people. Then don’t complain to me that you want friends or want to make friends. I’m trying to help you keep the few friends that you do have, and this is the thanks I get? No thank you!

I hate my job! I want to quit! You hate the job that I got you? That you get to work with your best friend who’s got your back, no matter what, that you are almost guaranteed not to get fired from? That you’ve been at for over 5 years? Well, okay that hurts a bit, but quit. If you don’t like something get rid of it. Shit or get off the fucking pot, but for fuck sakes, stop repeating the same complaints to me.

I hate my family. I hate people. I hate my job. I hate school. I hate my life. Well fuck, don’t you think that that’s a bit much for one person try and tackle with you? But still I try, right? Oh, wait, you hate me now too? Okay.

Still ever awkward

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 22:08:52 -0500

But dare I say,

things might be getting better…?

I’m becoming more and more confident in myself, my abilities, and my body and I can’t help but notice him noticing. I stumble, yes, but I’m definitely on an upward trend. And someone besides me is liking what they see.

I had a nightmare about him last night...

Sun, 16 Dec 2012 19:39:26 -0500

Really, we haven’t been the same since the party…

We just can’t seem to match up with how we feel. And it’s so funny because right before the party, we were closer than ever.

Maybe this prank and his gift will help.

I hope so.

This weirdness between us is giving me nightmares.

I dreamed that he was getting married to this really great girl that loved him and he loved her. I don’t know who she was, but she wasn’t me. And I, my friend, and our boss all had to work his wedding even though we were also attending it…? I don’t know, it was super weird.

Anyways, I was good. I faked my happiness and hid how miserable I was all through the ceremony, it was at the reception where I lost it. We three were basically the only single people there, and seeing all the couples broke me down. So then I went to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face in the hopes that a break from the act would help, but when I got back it was like he was intentionally trying to tease me with what I couldn’t have. And that was the last straw. I ran and my boss came to find me and talk to me, but then so did he. We started talking and I woke up.

Today at work was just… torture. He wanted to talk to me when I couldn’t talk. And I wanted to talk to him when he was busy. I just- we haven’t really had a chance to talk since before the party and I need to know exactly where we stand… This prank is probably the best way to make that happen. :(

I guess I should clarify all that's happened after last Friday...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 22:49:33 -0500

Where to start?

Holiday party for work.
Everyone’s there. Including my best friend and SFAL. This would be the perfect chance to flirt, to slip off alone, or hell to go home together. If my best friend wasn’t there. And about 7 other single women and 1 married woman.
Didn’t really say a word to him all night, I was avoiding his charms because of my friend and because of all the other women that were hanging from his every word.
I’m not going to lie I was a bit jealous that he was getting all this female attention and not brushing them all off.
I went home angry because I thought that he went home with someone else or worst case scenario, the married woman that he’s already slept with at least once. Which had been confirmed by a reliable source.
The next day at work, I give him an icy shoulder. And even yesterday I give him an icy shoulder, but he’s been nothing but nice to me, so I feel like an ass.

Some of the things that went down Friday night:

He hadn’t really been flirting with anyone when I got up to go freshen my lipstick and passed him on my way to the ladies room and he and his coworker said hi. When I got back to our table, I found out that my boss had taken my phone and texted him pretending to be me.

Boss: “Hey Baby.”

Him: “Hey Sweetie.”

Boss: “Meet me by the women’s restroom.”

At that point, I got back to the table and found out. A minute later, he swaggers over to our table and recants slightly loudly thatsomeonetext him asking him to meet them by the ladies room. I just say, oh really, and turn back to the conversation Cassie and I were having. He then stands there behind me awkwardly for 10 minutes, acting like he’s part of the conversation of the people we both know standing there, but he’s not. So then he goes and sits back down.
He then spends the rest of the night flirting with every single woman in the room and the married bitch, but he’s not making rounds they’re on him like flies on shit.
His coworker comes to hang out with my friend and I and starts apologizing to me for his behavior and how he’s thinking about sleeping with the married bitch again, and I’m so confused at why he’s apologizing to me over this, I don’t get it at all. I just say the truth, I never thought that that was true. He goes on a little more and the pow wow breaks up.
Almost everyone’s gone already except for SFAL and his gaggle of women and the married one is laying it on so very thick. It’s sickening.

The aftermath:

I’m kinda avoiding him or not really saying much and just being awkward. He’s still trying to get back where we were I think. I had a small heart to heart with his boss, who’s like a second dad to me. And I think he knows that I like him now…
The married bitch, who had been kissing my ass like it was her job and trying to be all buddy buddy with me? She hasn’t said a single word ANY of the times she’s seen me since. Almost as if I’m her competition now and things didn’t go down as she’d planned. Which made me happy. I didn’t care too much about the other girls throwing themselves at him, but her. She would be unforgivable I think.
At this point, I’m starting to wonder if he even went home with anyone… I think he’s just a nice guy and was being nice to all the lonely girls because that’s who he is. And I think that he really wanted to speak with me alone while he was drunk and had the courage to. Which sucks for me, because I sure as hell didn’t have any courage that night. >_< It also wasn’t really possible cause it was that time of the month.

What I’ve learned since:

Another close friend was telling me that he flirts a lot too, just like SFAL. He says that when someone flirts a lot like that, they don’t know that someone likes them a lot of the time. Why don’t they know? Because they assume that the other person is just like they are and flirting just to be friendly. So he basically told me to ask him out. I want to, but I don’t want everyone at work to find out or make a big deal out of it, or worse yet would be if he just wants to be friends, and everyone finds out about that. This is why it’d be so much easier for him just to ask me out.

This man has got me too horny for public

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 20:05:26 -0500

Had a wet dream about him last night. The orgasm woke me up, but I was so gone that I couldn’t even feel my body or move for twenty minutes after.

>_<

He finally found a way to force me into sexually harassing him.

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 22:05:00 -0500

*FACEPALM*

I blame M!

M works with SFAL.

As I walked backstage to buy a soda today M got there first and went into the bathroom. No biggie, I barely know the guy. Out comes SFAL and another coworker.

Coworker: Hi.

Me: Hi. How are you?

Coworker: Good.

SFAL: We’re glad it’s you back here.

Me: Well M’s just in the bathroom.

SFAL: Oh, he’s taking a shit?

Me: I don’t know, I didn’t ask. Jeez.

Coworker: *Leaves us to our flirting to take a smoke break.* He’s one of the ones that’s always pushing us together.

SFAL: *meanders his way towards the door* *knocks loudly on the bathroom door shouting that I wanted to ask him a question and runs*

Me: *chases after him* Don’t you leave me back here!

SFAL: *uses his chiseled body to block the only exit door that’s unlocked*

Me: *in survival mode at first* Tries to tickle or push at him.

SFAL: *not budging*

Me: *starts groping, mostly on accident, in an effort to tickle or something to get him out of the way.* >_> He’s just so… UNF!

SFAL: Now that’s what I’m talking about!

Me: *stops immediately and does a hand check* *realize that my boobs were sorta pressed against him* Heaven help me!

SFAL: Awwww, why’d you stop.

Me: SMH.

STAHP IT

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 22:15:38 -0500

Dear self,

Stop thinking about him.

How he smiles at you every single time he sees you.

Hangs around like he’s hoping you’ll be there or spare time to come and shoot the shit with him.

Runs to the rescue because he thinks that you’re in trouble.

Cares about your opinion.

Gets jealous.

Gets worried about you.

Stop thinking about the stupid little snatches of your day that involve him doing minute little things that shouldn’t effect you like this.

Stop thinking of his reiterating something Z had just said, even though it was adorable and probably thought that since you pretty much ignored him that he was a derp.

In fact, I thought that it was adorable and I would’ve said thank you if my feet weren’t hurting so bad from being cute… for myself, but also for you… >_>

Stop thinking that you should’ve just started tucking his shirt for him just so that you could touch his amazing body a little more.

Stop thinking about how much you want to hug him and just really lean into it and make it a hug where you touch each other from head to feet.

Just stahp it!

I really want to stop liking you

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 22:27:00 -0500

For so many reasons.

Because my friendship is more important.

Because I don’t like feeling this weak.

Because it would make things SO much easier.

But then, you go and do shit, like be jealous when I give anyone attention whether it’s sexual or platonic and do something to try and downplay it or sabotage it; which then just calls more attention to you.

You jelly even though you won’t say anything and it’s adorable! And it’s also funny as fuck. >_>

Dammit!

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 17:35:30 -0500

What do I get him for xmas?!

I want to get him something funny, but semi serious… No more prank gifts… Hmmm…

Thank you for noticing my shoes today.

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 23:42:30 -0500

I saw how quiet you got after you saw the 5 inch stilettos in your favorite color that I was wearing…

Eat your heart out. Cause I bet I can guess what you were thinking about.

They do make me tall enough to kiss you though.

And that makes me love wearing them even more.

Holy shit why?

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 23:26:10 -0500

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna touch you You wanna touch me too Everyday but all I have is time Our love's the perfect crime

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 22:16:46 -0500

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Every way and when they set me free
Just put your hands on me.

This would be so much easier if he'd just ask me out already

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 21:34:36 -0500

And stop playing games.

The sooner we could settle into dating, the sooner it would either become apparent that we aren’t right for each other or the excitement of the newness could fade sooner.

Stop being a tease.

That’s my job, dammit.